The Real Secret to Becoming a Better Communicator: LISTEN

In a 2015 interview at Stanford Graduate Business School, Oprah Winfrey said,

“Every single human being is looking to know: are you fully here with me? Are you listening to me, or are you distracted? That’s what your children want to know, that’s what your spouse wants to know, that’s what the people you work with want to know, that’s what YOU want to know. Every argument isn’t about the thing you are arguing about, it’s about, are you hearing me?”

So what makes it so hard to be a good listener, if every human being simply wants to be heard? 

Instead of listening to understand, we often get distracted, or listen so we can add our two cents. Sometimes we do this to show the person speaking that they are not alone, or that we share a body of knowledge or experience. However, this attempt at reaching “common ground” often results in cutting off the other person before they are done speaking.

As a communication coach, I help my clients speak more effectively. But the truth is: most of us need to learn how to more effectively listen. Myself included. It’s hard, but with six easy strategies, we can strengthen our communication and relationship with others. Here are some strategies to become a better listener:

Tip #1: Return to the Moment. 

Time is limited, and the temptation to multitask is strong. Sometimes, when in meetings or conversations, I get the nagging feeling that there isn’t enough time, that I need to stay ahead of the game, that I can tune in and out of the conversation when it directly applies to me. But the truth is, when I am trying to check off boxes on my to-do list, I’m not actually listening.

Technology: To set your team up for success in meetings, keep your phone out of sight and off your desk or off the conference room table. For in-person meetings, silence your phone, and then put it away. For virtual or hybrid meetings, minimize your web browser and maximize Zoom, Google Meet, or Web-X. When a team actually listens to one another, conversations become much more productive. 

Thoughts: Distraction could be your thoughts drifting to Slack messages, unread emails, your next vacation. It might be going through a mental catalog of possible inferences or implications of what you are hearing. This is normal. When you notice your mind wandering, try to simply return to the present. Notice your distractions, and then let them go.

Tip #2: Listen to Understand, Not Solve.

Rather than trying to solve the other person’s problem, lend a sympathetic ear. The other day my mom told me a story over the phone. She had had a misunderstanding with a neighbor that had escalated into a huge argument. As she explained the conflict, my impulse to prove to my mom that I was a communication expert kicked in, and I began to coach her on how to communicate more effectively. Shortly after, the phone call ended. Only then did I realize what I had done: I had offered a solution to solve her problem, but I hadn’t listened to her emotions. My mom was upset, and what she needed in that moment was empathy, not advice. Someone to say, “Gosh, I’m so sorry that happened. I know that’s not who you really are!”

 Tip #3: Wait to Relate. 

To show common ground, we often try to equate our experiences with someone else’s. For example,

A: Welcome back! How was your trip?

B: Peru was great!

A: Oh, I bet, I loved Peru. Did you hike Machu Picchu? When I went, the funniest thing happened, my friend and I hired a Sherpa and….

Suddenly, you’ve gone from listening to someone’s experience to sharing your own. When you take the focus off the other person and bring it on yourself, are you an enthusiastic conversationalist, or are you one-upping them? Instead of sharing a story, try asking a follow-up question. What? Where? When? How? Why? Find out more about their trip. Listen.

Tip #4: Enjoy the Silence.

Sometimes when we want to show someone that we like them, we fill awkward silences with a I-totally-know-what-you-mean comment, or the-same-thing-happened-to-me remarks.

Instead, notice the breaks in the conversation and when silence arrives, take a breath and enjoy the pause before chiming in. Own the moment. Give it your full attention. Maybe repeat in your head what the other person just said. If you’re feeling antsy or irritated, take a deep breath. If you are able to stay calm and focused, you will be better able to listen through the silence, and the person you are talking to will feel heard.

Tip #5: Fess Up and Ask. 

You lost focus. What do you do? Tell the truth. Confess that your mind wandered, but that you value your coworker or friends input, and are committed to being present for the conversation.

 Here are some phrases you can use:

• Will you repeat that last part again?

• I’m sorry. I want to understand, but I got distracted. Can you say that again?

• I’m struggling to focus right now. Please tell me what you’d like me to know.

One moment of embarrassment is better than walking away having no idea what that conversation was all about. The person you’re speaking with will appreciate your honesty, and will likely be happy to repeat themselves. After all, everyone loses focus. 

Tip #6: Before Disagreeing, Repeat Back What You Heard.

Listening is hard. Not only does it take time and work, but when I listen, I also want to be heard in return. Power and privilege allows some people to get away with being heard without ever having to listen. These people are often left without feedback, alone in the solitary world of their own ideas. Conversely, people who are marginalized often have no choice but to listen, and no platform to be heard. As such, the world misses out on the brilliance they have to offer. 

As educated people who want to build the best possible world, we can learn to listen to the beliefs of others, even if we disagree with them. When we hold space for people to share, we can also repeat back to them what we hear. This is a powerful reflection tool, especially if you use phrases like, 

• “I want to make sure I understand you. What I think you are saying is this… Is that right?”  

• “Hmmmm… I can see that [for this reason]. Have you ever considered this?”

Some days, we won’t listen. And some days, no matter how hard we try, we won’t be heard. These two occurrences go hand in hand. The more we don’t feel heard, the more we don’t listen. So what if we listen more? Will we be heard more?